Allowing Anger

Anger gets a bad rap.

For centuries, it was “unladylike” to feel it or express it. Then, it was all the rage (pun intended) to “express it” outwardly to those around you. In my opinion, there’s a happy medium between stuffing anger (holding inside your body) and dumping it out into other people’s space. Neither of those two solutions really allows you to get what you need from anger.

When I work with clients around feeling emotions, anger is almost always the hardest one for them to allow and feel. They reason with me, analyze their anger, and explain why they shouldn’t really be angry. If they’ve learned thought-work tools such as The Work, they sometimes even try to use those tools to stop feeling the anger.

The truth is, anger is not bad. It is an important emotion, like all emotions, to feel, allow, and experience. Anger is not something we need to eliminate. It’s something we need to celebrate.

If you didn’t have anger, you would miss out on important information about yourself. Anger lets you see when you’ve been saying “yes” but meaning “no.” It tells you when you’ve pushed yourself too far. It alerts you when someone is crossing your boundaries. It keeps you vitally connected to all kinds of vital data from your soul.

For example, I notice, in myself and clients, that irritability often signals a need to stop, breathe, rest, and take a break. Ignoring this irritability, trying to make it go away, or thinking you shouldn’t be irritable prevents you from realizing the essential message in that irritability.

So what is this middle ground between stuffing and dumping our anger? It’s simply allowing the anger to be in our bodies, in our boundary-space, and noticing why it’s here. Letting it tell us what we need to know from our soul. This doesn’t ever have to involve another person at all.

I learned this technique from The Language of Emotions by Karla McLaren. I cannot recommend her book enough for mind-body pain syndrome sufferers. It is pure genius, and allows you learn how to feel emotions without stuffing or over-expressing them – which means your body will get to stay relaxed, healthy, and energetic.

To feel your anger, imagine that you have a boundary in the shape of an egg all around your body. Let this boundary extend out around your body as far away from your torso as the length of your arm (extended straight out). Imagine it above and below yourself.  Make it any color you want – maybe it’s fiery red, to represent anger. Maybe it’s made of fire. Whatever feels right is perfect. Then, notice the sensations of the anger within your body. Let them pour out of you and into your boundary space. Notice if you see images, colors, or even words. Just let this anger do whatever it wants. If you’re doing this for the first time, you might give yourself five to ten minutes to really experience the anger. You’ll probably notice that eventually it just gently dissipates. However, you might want to ask it why it’s here. What is it trying to tell you? Even if you get no answer, keep asking each time anger comes up. Eventually, you’ll be able to hear what it’s trying to tell you.

I’ve noticed that clients who are struggling with victim mentality (feeling like others are at fault for their suffering) are often afraid to connect with their own anger and take responsibility for saying no to demands that cross their boundaries. As soon as you learn how to feel anger, you’ll be able to take back your power, step out of the victim role (we’ve all been there, and it never feels good to be in that powerless position), and choose what works for you in your life. When you do this, you’ll experience much less physical illness. You’ll become a master of the art of saying no, of taking care of yourself, and honoring your true needs. This is the ultimate act of self-love.